HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats![]()
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Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
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Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going