Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
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Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
no cat here
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real