Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
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Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
me after drinking all the wine:
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.