Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

Thanks to a fan for this one.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

What have I done to deserve this oh yeah

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.