Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr