Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
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From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!