Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
dads on road-trips be like
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.