Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
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….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down