Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
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These are my emotional support Pringles.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out