Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

found this cool rock hiking today

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?