Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

Go gym

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo