HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
You Might Also Like
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.