HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
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Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
(more comics:
