Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
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Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing