Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

How dude HOW?!

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are