Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.