When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
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Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Never forget.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what