Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
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[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile