Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

Incredible customer service.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.