Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.