Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*