Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
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When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Tell the colonel to bring it
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.