Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
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[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story