Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.