Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
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“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
even bears disappoint their mothers
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv