Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Modded the new Gran Turismo

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one