Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

Hero horse inspires millions

*performs CPR on the turkey*

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

Why are bridges so flammable.

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!