Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
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I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Mornin. * use accordingly
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”