Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
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RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.