Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad