Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.