Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”