Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!