Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!