When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
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Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
When life hands you
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
3 tbsp cornstarch
1 cup water
2 tbsp butter
1 pie crust
you make lemon meringue
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.