HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
jesus christ confetti not now
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
This checks out
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
wait.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.