HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.