HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
life finds a way
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance: