Me at 13: I don’t understand why old people are so cranky
Me at 43: oh
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Seize the day!
*Sees the day, goes back to bed*
First rule of Water Boarding Club:
1. You will talk
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?