HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.