HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

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Me at 13: I don’t understand why old people are so cranky

Me at 43: oh


Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.


(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?


old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame


A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.


If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”


if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo