HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
getting old is fun
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways