Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”