Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
You Might Also Like
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”