Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Spider-cat: No One Home
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
next question.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.