Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

Welcome

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

never ask a starfish for directions

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog