Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
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[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
This might be the funniest tweet ever
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
not to brag, but mine was free
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Every house has this drawer
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high