Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

seriously you guys

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

Multitask? I can barely unitask