her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I feel seen
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much