Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work