Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too