Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
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I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?