Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

Who did it better?

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

Sir!!

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.