Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.