HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

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St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.


HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed


My favorite part of every Christmas special is when Santa’s sleigh and all the reindeer lift off from a roof and head for the distant horizon instead of the house next door.


If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.


Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit


Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…


My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.


With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.


Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”