@LionJenkins [First day at New Job]
New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?
<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>
@ArfMeasures HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
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@LionJenkins 
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@fro_vo ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
@AndyKindler “I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
@julie2288 90% of parenting is giving up the last fried cheese stick to your kid and pretending you’re OK with it.
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@jenlaw_11 “You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
@LindaInDisguise Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
@zachreinert03 I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something