HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
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Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
When I laugh on my period
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
become ungovernable
ready to be harvested
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
not for long
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.