HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

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[First day at New Job]

New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>


It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.


Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face


ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle


“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin


90% of parenting is giving up the last fried cheese stick to your kid and pretending you’re OK with it.


I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.


“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl


Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?


I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something