HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
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*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay