The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
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[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Just a bush.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first