Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
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ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
