Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
You Might Also Like
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Saw this yesterday lol
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
More like Kate Missington.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
grandparents are too precious for this world
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.