Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

How high do the levels go?

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?