Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen