Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

When the stylist spins you back around

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.