Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
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Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
what’s more important?
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
(Gaming support cat.)
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.