Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
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I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.