@occupied_stall

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

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@frogshack

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

@CAshmanActor

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

@KyleMcDowell86

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

@Playing_Dad

My cousin had his hand amputated in a tragic accident. Luckily, he was able to find a replacement at a second hand store.

@onion_an

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

@Rollmaninoz

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

@AndrewNadeau0

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

@KentWGraham

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

@Ms_Ka_Renee

Dr: So when did the stress eating begin?

Me: Probably 1983 or 1984.

Dr: …

Me: …

Dr: You were born in 1982.

Me: Maybe it Was 1982.

@UncleDuke1969

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”