Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
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My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.