Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

I gave up going to work for lent.

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.