her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
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Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.