her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
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I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
They did not miss in the small print
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed