Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
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Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
The 8 fell over and stayed there for infinity.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: “That’s a lot of octopussies to occupy a tank.”
Guide: “it’s octopi.”
Me: “Oh..that’s a lot of octopussies to octopi a tank.”
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions