@Shen_the_Bird

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

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@Elizasoul80

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

@TheGrimKing

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

@FU_TangClan

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

@krisv_723

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

@ArfMeasures

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

@squirrel74wkgn

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

@Jake_Vig

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

@ProdigyNelson

[aquarium]
Me: “That’s a lot of octopussies to occupy a tank.”
Guide: “it’s octopi.”
Me: “Oh..that’s a lot of octopussies to octopi a tank.”

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions