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@Shen_the_Bird: her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
@DanMentos: “Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
@frogbunnie: 6:There's a monster under my bed
Me:That's silly! There's no such thi..OH GOD IT'S EATING MY ARM
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
@Underchilde: They say they’re free weights, but the gym gets pissed if you put them in your car and leave.
@SouthernStylin1: The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
@mydmac: Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100's of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.