her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

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her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no


“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets


I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.


Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money


sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world


Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.


[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…


I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon



Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.