her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
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I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world
Not all heroes wear capes…
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.