@Shen_the_Bird

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

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@AndyAsAdjective

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

@shutupmikeginn

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

@NotMarkAllen

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

@LlamaInaTux

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

@crushingbort

sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world

@Elizasoul80

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

@lisaxy424

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

@MiSsSnObBy

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

@baronvonbike

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.