her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.


Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.


Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME


I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.


Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth


Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*


The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.


Me: “That’s a lot of octopussies to occupy a tank.”
Guide: “it’s octopi.”
Me: “Oh..that’s a lot of octopussies to octopi a tank.”


5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions