her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
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Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.