Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
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Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Breaking news:
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?