Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.