Her: *eats entire croissant without shedding a single crumb*

Me: *touches croissant; it explodes into sandstorm of crumbs completely filling a 6-ft. radius around me*

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My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.

Is it the wind? Yes.

Am I going to tell my kids it’s haunted so they stay out? Also yes.


“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably


I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”


My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.


I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice


You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film “Helicopter Shots of People Walking.”


I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food


[one month later]
Sorry, just got your text. Do you still want to break up?


When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away


Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.