Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
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Hot Hot Hot
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.